Developing a Group Covenant
We have worked with groups for going on twenty years. There are some things we learned that are key for a group to be successful, and the first is to create a group covenant that everyone agrees to and signs.
Why do we call it a covenant? The term covenant is biblical. In the Old Testament God made covenants with Israel and in the New Testament God made a new covenant through his Son Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection. The agreement you are making as a group is more than a concept, it includes practical direction for how the group will move forward. For example, confidentiality is a wonderful value for the group to commit to so that people will commit to not share with anyone outside of the group. This leads to trust and building quality relationships. Otherwise, the group members may hesitate to share what is really going in their lives and marriages.
Leaders can have an outline of group covenant ideas, but it is wonderful to create the group covenant together. Some key elements to consider in the covenant include:
The purpose of the group. In the case of our Growing Deeper Marriage Study, the purpose may be for each person to grow in their understanding and relationship with God and and their spouse by completing the study each week and participating in the group discussion. Each group can have its unique purpose, but it likely contains growth and connection goals.
The commitment to prepare for the meeting. In the case of Growing Deeper, 85% of the work is completed throughout the week on your own and as a couple. It takes time, but that is how you grow deeper. It is important for each couple to put the time in to the study so the group time goes well. People who haven’t read the Scripture or answered the questions are not able to contribute as much to the discussion. *We do believe there is benefit to coming even if you aren’t prepared, but it shouldn’t be the norm).
The commitment of each person to attend. Each person should be willing to commit to attend (yes, even when they do not feel like it, or had a long day). Life gets busy, but the group needs to be a priority for each person. When someone is missing, the whole group suffers because they are not hearing that person’s perspective; also, the person suffers because they are missing out on key discussion that may influence future discussions.
The commitment to only share what you have permission to share. We have been a part of groups that a spouse starts sharing intimate details about their marriage that they do not have permission to share. The marriage is two people each person has to have a voice in what is shared with the group.
The commitment not to share outside of the group. Each person needs to commit to not share with anyone outside of the group because it is not your story to share. The only exception to this is if a person is threatening themselves or someone else. In this case, the concern should be reported to the group leader and then escalated from there.
The commitment to try to connect. Not everyone is going to connect naturally with everyone else, and that is normal. It is healthy though for each person to put their best foot forward to authentically connect with others in the group both on group night and throughout the week.
The commitment to share and to not share. It seems every group has someone who has an answer to every question and they always want to go first. If you answer one question, wait for someone else to answer the next question (maybe even wait for two or three people to answer, or sit this question out). Silence is good, and some people need time to think and the silence to encourage them to speak up. LET THEM! :-)
The commitment to pray for each other. Prayer is a fundamental ingredient to a Christian group. Make sure you take time to share requests and actually pray for them. It’s especially effective to share personal and even vulnerable prayers requests about you and you immediate family versus a neighbors mothers, friends pet snake who is sick. Also, pray for the person; do not try to solve their issue.
The commitment to have fun. Don’t forget to have fun in the group! Studies can be difficult and serious at times, depending on what you are talking about. Have fun together, relax, and joke (not at someone else’s expense).
Finally, review the group covenant at the beginning of each group time for the first two or three sessions. If someone new joins, make sure you go over it again and have the new group all sign it. Your group will be on the same page and off on a great adventure!