First Issue…Not the Real Issue

No matter what profession or ministry you are in, you will often experience yourself caring for someone who is coming to you for help. For a myriad of reasons, this client may not share or even know what the real issue is. They have the reason they reached out to you, and what they think might be going on, but there is likely plenty more to uncover. People need safety and exploration to peel back the layers. 

Check out this graphic with different levels of communication, published in Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell. Lower levels like cliche conversation or a chat safely based on facts are simply transactional, and can happen without any significant safety and trust. 

Peak

Emotions

Ideas & Judgments

Facts

Cliche

In order to allow the conversation to become transformational, ask open questions and listen carefully to what they are saying and not saying. Avoid judgment and instead be curious – tell me more, what about that is important to you, how does that feel, etc. When you are genuinely curious and stick with questions that begin with what or how, you are more likely to stay on the tracks. Going off the tracks of safety might mean leading questions, judge-y comments, and thinking about what you want to say next instead of letting the conversation unfold. 

When you stay with them and release your control of where the conversation is going, you make a space where the two of you can co-create. Together, you can explore “what is at stake?” “What about this matters most?” and even “What would it mean to you to do something different in this area?” Before you know it, layers will be peeled back and aha moments will happen. Clarity, focus, values, priorities, fears, and concerns come to the surface. This is when people find the intrinsic motivation and the clarity of next steps, and they are grateful for the time you gave them because it is life-changing for them. 

So when you start your time together and they say what they need… hold it loosely, and get to know them as you create a safe place to explore more. 

Create a safe place and ask questions that allow them to explore ideas, emotions, dreams & fears