I Need to Have Experienced This to Help

Sometimes my coaching students say, “Don’t I need to have experienced the same struggles to know how to help? I mean, how would I coach them through it? While some of you can see the flaw in this myth very clearly, believe me that many well-intentioned helpers are feeling super insecure about their ability to help. Take a financial advisor who has kids nowhere near college aged as he or she advises on the matter. How about a teacher who has never had a learning disability. Consider a fertility specialist who has never wanted kids. There are lots of times where we will not have the same experiences as those we are paving a way for, but there are some situations where we talk ourselves right out of being able to help and we lose out on an incredible opportunity. Thankfully, coaching in its purest form doesn’t rely on you having the answers as much as your ability to ask questions, show empathy, and walk with them.

In fact, your objectivity in this matter might be the very thing that helps them the most. You won’t try to over-relate or assume you know what it’s like to be them. You might not have as much bias or strong opinion on how it should be done differently. All of this can be a sigh of relief. You can help better when you are on the side of the pool, carefully helping without getting blurred, emotional, and tired while you swim in the deep with them. 

You also have a couple other advantages – one is your coaching mindset. By coaching mindset I mean that they are in the driver’s seat, and they will decide what factors should be weighed, how we will solve this problem, and how fast we will work toward next steps. All the while, you can have sincere empathy and authentic listening which bring tremendous value in the relationship and the conversation. 

Coaching mindset, authentic listening, and empathetic objectivity are a powerful combination. Through your response, you can say verbally and nonverbally, “I don’t know what it’s like to be you, but I want to help, and I believe I can.”