You’re Unique, and They’re Unique

When we have experienced hardship (and that’s a nice word for what some of us have gone through), we might be tempted to have strong opinions about how someone should respond to the problem. Maybe we learned some things along the way, and it would feel good to spare someone a few of the twists and turns. Sounds like good intention! Also, you can feel less alone when someone is going through something you also had to walk through. 

However, it rarely serves someone to say much more about your journey than “I experienced something similar – I am so sorry, I know that must be hard.” The reason we must be careful not to overrelate is that that person, even with a very similar issue, has more factors that could be different. Since each person is unique, it is likely they will see and feel this hardship differently, Until they ask for advice, resources, or answers, you are better off to listen, ask questions, and show empathy. 

Here are some of the aspects that are different for them:

Personality: Each person is unique in the way they are wired. Depending on what personality assessments you lean toward, you may distinguish people by how task-oriented or people-oriented they are, how they view success and how they relate to others. Our personality is the distinct lens in which we see the world. We might be especially optimistic, analytical, glass half-full or glass half-empty. Naturally lead or naturally follow, outgoing or introverted, internal or external processor, and so very much more. How someone is wired will definitely impact how they are impacted by difficulty, and what they do next. 

Family of Origin: Each person is unique in how they grew up. Farmhouse or urban living, in the States or another country, what socio-economic level, what race or culture, and your family life shape and form you in significant ways, yet they are possibly so deeply engrained that you don’t even think about them consciously. Add to all of that the model your parent (s) gave you, the values they raised you with, what was defined as fun or work and the rhythms of how you go through the day and the week, and you have deep layers to peel back. I am convinced this is a huge part of why the first year of marriage is challenging – we operate toward what we are used to or consciously run from it, and most of the time we don’t even realize we are doing it. 

Life Experience: The things I have witnessed and walked through in my teen and adult years shaped and formed me in significant ways. I (and also you) have learned from the result of those situations with professional advancement, car accidents, debt and credit, extended family, airlines, food and exercise, and relationships. I know what I know, and it is not always easy to convince me otherwise. Similarly, when your “advice” runs in conflict with a lesson I have learned in life, I disagree with you and no longer feel your kind attempts to help; instead, it reads as sending me down a rabbit trail that I will in no way consider. I likely won’t reach out to update you about it either! 

How can you connect with someone who is going through something unique (or not unique, but it feels unique to them)? Listen. Ask questions. Observe their body language. Show empathy. Let them talk and believe and feel what they want. These are the behaviors that are bonding. If they want help – make sure they mean it, and then STILL ask questions to understand what kind of help they might want. 

Think about it – even if you are talking to another mom whose son was just diagnosed with autism… you are married to a different person than she is, and your son was the youngest and hers is the oldest, and your parents live faraway but hers are local and she sees them every week. And the finances are different and the school is different and the personality of all parties and the stigma of autism in her family growing up and the opportunity for moving forward are ALL potentially different. Wow. 

So listen and support. Don’t assume your experience is valuable to them (just yet). Make yourself “sticky” by listening to their current perspective and situation. Start today – and know that every step you take is making you a safe connection, and a person they will trust enough to come back to later.